Shape Of My Heart

He deals the cards as a meditation
And those he plays never suspect
He doesn't play for the money he wins
He doesn't play for the respect
He deals the cards to find the answer
The sacred geometry of chance
The hidden law of probable outcome
The numbers lead a dance

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart

He may play the jack of diamonds
He may lay the queen of spades
He may conceal a king in his hand
While the memory of it fades

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart
That's not the shape, the shape of my heart

And if I told you that I loved you
You'd maybe think there's something wrong
I'm not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one
Those who speak know nothing
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who fear are lost

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart
That's not the shape of my heart

"Yo quize imaginarme, en paz sin posesión,
sin látigo ni dueño, tan sólo atado al sueño
que soñó el corazón" L.E. Aute

Deseo o piedad

¿Qué es lo que impulsa a desear? Es una de esas preguntas de respuesta difícil. Sobretodo si se tiene en cuenta que desear es obtener satisfacción en la pérdida.

Hay quienes hemos crecido con miedo a desear. Desear implica salir y mojarse, implica caer y querer.

Se trata de subjetivar la muerte, de aceptar esa desolación, esa soledad.

Es hora de dejar de esperar piedad de la muerte.

Orá Memo

Los doctores ingleses y sus manías epistolares
no pagaron sus ilustres malabares

Guerrilla en línea

Muchas veces siento el deseo de cambiar el mundo
otras siento que el mundo seguirá con el mismo sentido a pesar de mis esfuerzos
por lo pronto no rehuyo de ningún combate en facebook.

30 kilos en la espalda

El agua baja como el hambre
el fuego sobre las piedras del acantilado
sin fuerzas rinde su último homenaje a la vida
las balas le alcanzan la pierna y su fusil.
Así nació y se quedó para siempre entre todos nosotros.

Carta a la autoridad laboral autoritaria

I´m struggling again with the limits that need to be imposed on them by the program. It´s hard for me to ask them to abide by the rules; it´s emotionally tiring for me to put my body and actions in that position of authority, the program´s authority. It´s hard for me to say no to them. I can´t seem to find the will nor the proper way to ask them politely and assertively to follow the norm. I tend to get mad and tense in this position. My thoughts when I´m confronted with their demands are: Why should I be the one to impose these limits on them, I´m not their parents, I´m not their legal guardian. I strongly believe that adults only change for the better if they choose to do so.

I tend to think that most of these kids do not want any change in their lives; that they are here because they want everything to remain the same (I understand that this may be unfair to them). Most of them need to be told what to do, how to do it and when (demand for an authoritarian Father). And when you meet this demand, they blame you for being the cause of their suffering. All in all, I´m overwhelmed by a lack of faith that anything that I do will help these kids if they don´t help themselves. I refuse to be an authoritarian father or any kind of father for them.

You pointed out to me when you decided to hire me that I had ambivalences toward my father (or I thought you did, anyway). It is not my father that I rebel against, it´s against authoritarian violence. My real father is just a human being, he can´t be made ultimately responsible for the violence he acted upon when assuming his inertial identification as a father. Like any human being, he made mistakes and also contributed to the good that is in me.

Sometimes, I feel that my role as a mentor in the program is that of a watchman, a policeman or a supervisor; all forms of delegate authority. If you think about it, policemen are the ones who repress and receive counter repressive violence. Commonly, policemen seldom question their role. The key questions here are: What type and form (character) of authority am I a delegate of? Do I believe in that authority and its principles? Can we be good delegates of power and authority if we don´t believe in that power or authority? What is there for us to do?

My intention for sharing these thoughts with you is to receive your council and to appeal to your compassion. I say these words out of respect and honesty. I feel that my difficulty to deal with this is making my work less effective and, therefore, contributing to the failure of the program.

Thanks,

Esteban