I´m struggling again with the limits that need to be imposed on them by the program. It´s hard for me to ask them to abide by the rules; it´s emotionally tiring for me to put my body and actions in that position of authority, the program´s authority. It´s hard for me to say no to them. I can´t seem to find the will nor the proper way to ask them politely and assertively to follow the norm. I tend to get mad and tense in this position. My thoughts when I´m confronted with their demands are: Why should I be the one to impose these limits on them, I´m not their parents, I´m not their legal guardian. I strongly believe that adults only change for the better if they choose to do so.
I tend to think that most of these kids do not want any change in their lives; that they are here because they want everything to remain the same (I understand that this may be unfair to them). Most of them need to be told what to do, how to do it and when (demand for an authoritarian Father). And when you meet this demand, they blame you for being the cause of their suffering. All in all, I´m overwhelmed by a lack of faith that anything that I do will help these kids if they don´t help themselves. I refuse to be an authoritarian father or any kind of father for them.
You pointed out to me when you decided to hire me that I had ambivalences toward my father (or I thought you did, anyway). It is not my father that I rebel against, it´s against authoritarian violence. My real father is just a human being, he can´t be made ultimately responsible for the violence he acted upon when assuming his inertial identification as a father. Like any human being, he made mistakes and also contributed to the good that is in me.
Sometimes, I feel that my role as a mentor in the program is that of a watchman, a policeman or a supervisor; all forms of delegate authority. If you think about it, policemen are the ones who repress and receive counter repressive violence. Commonly, policemen seldom question their role. The key questions here are: What type and form (character) of authority am I a delegate of? Do I believe in that authority and its principles? Can we be good delegates of power and authority if we don´t believe in that power or authority? What is there for us to do?
My intention for sharing these thoughts with you is to receive your council and to appeal to your compassion. I say these words out of respect and honesty. I feel that my difficulty to deal with this is making my work less effective and, therefore, contributing to the failure of the program.
Thanks,
Esteban
